


Broken Pieces

by Chikita



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Abandonment, Angst, Gen, Hopeful Ending, Introspection, Kageyama's Middle School Trauma, Kitagawa Daiichi, Present Tense, Sad, Sad Kageyama Tobio, hurt/comfort if you squint, somewhat canon compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-15
Updated: 2019-07-15
Packaged: 2020-06-29 02:59:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19821151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chikita/pseuds/Chikita
Summary: “Kageyama. Go sit on the bench.”After being abandoned by his teammates during his last middle school match, Kageyama has to figure out what to do with what's left. Yes, this is yet another drabble-turned one-shot about Kageyama's abandonment issues because I can't leave the poor boy alone.





	Broken Pieces

**Author's Note:**

> This is very self-indulgent because I have tons of feels about Kitaiichi!Kageyama and I wrote this to express them in some way. It's my first time writing in present tense, and honestly, it just happened so I don't know how many mistakes there are. 
> 
> This is just some melodramatic Kageyama angst, okay? Please don't expect anything else.

_“Kageyama. Go sit on the bench.”_

So there he is. Sitting on the bench like the coach had told him to, the words of his teammates still ringing in his ears. There’s a towel draped over his head, that's blocking most of his view on the court, where _his team_ is still playing. He wants to be there, wants to toss to them, wants to turn this match around by himself and lead them to victory. It’s what a setter is supposed to do. But he _can’t._

_“You’re nothing but an egocentric king.”_

_“The team would be better off without you.”_

_“We won't follow you anymore.”_

He can’t bear to look at what’s happening on the court anymore. He knows they’re about to lose. But the fact, that there’s nothing he can do about it paralyzes him and makes his stomach turn, so he keeps his head down. He’s shivering. Maybe it’s the sweat drying on his skin, or the exhaustion lowering his body temperature. Maybe both. But he just feels so _cold._ It’s like he’s freezing from the inside.

The sounds of shoes squeaking on the floor and volleyballs being spiked and received echo through the gym, reaching Kageyama’s ears with a loudness, that feels mocking, as if even the air wants to punish him for his failure. And the worst part is, that he still doesn’t _get it_.

What happened? What went wrong? What did he _do_ to make his teammates turn their backs on him? He had always tried so hard, put so much effort into every match, and yet _they weren’t_. He knew, that Kindaichi, Kunimi and all the others were good. Why couldn’t they spike his tosses? Why couldn’t he _make_ them do it? He just wanted to win. Didn’t they want to win _as well_? But now he’s starting to believe, that this was never about not winning. It was about not winning with _him_. They would rather lose than even try to hit his tosses because he was _that_ terrible.

The referee’s whistle signals another point for one of the teams. Cheering erupts from the stands, almost drowning out the frustrated groans and angry stomping of feet on their side of the court. Their coach is shouting something that’s probably meant to be motivating, but no one seems to even listen. Someone is cursing, voice tinged with anger and desperation. It sounds a lot like Kindaichi’s, and Kageyama wants to cover his ears.

There's no questioning it anymore. They're going to lose and get kicked out of the tournament. It’s their last match in middle school before they will all separate and move on to find their own way, join a high school team and continue where they have left off. Maybe some of them will quit volleyball entirely and never look back. Kageyama wouldn’t be surprised. It’s their last match together...and he's is spending it on the bench, forced to witness his team of _three years_ falling apart a few meters across from where he’s sitting.

He screws his eyes shut, hands gripping the hem of his shorts in frustration. There isn’t anyone to blame but himself. But, maybe this could have been prevented. If only he had paid more _attention._ If he had been a better player, a better _teammate,_ this wouldn’t have happened. He would still be allowed to stand on the court and fight with them, even if they ended up losing, even if they didn’t score a single fucking _point_ , at least he would have been there to fight with them until the end.

But he isn’t. Not anymore. Nothing drives this home more, nothing hits harder than the final whistle. _It’s over._ They lost, and something in him breaks. Before he can realize, there are tears rolling down his cheeks, he didn’t even know he was holding back. His breath hitches and he cringes at his body’s reaction, so he pulls the towel over his eyes, to shield himself from any glances in his direction. He’s humiliated enough as it is.

The match went over without him. He wasn’t needed. It didn’t matter whether he stood on the court or not. They would have lost either way because he wasn’t a good setter. He failed at the one thing that mattered to him, the one thing he was passionate about. The realization seems to make even more tears stream down his face until he feels wet and gross and _pathetic_. He doesn’t deserve to cry when he’s the one who single-handedly ruined his team and crushed not only his own but his teammate’s hopes of winning the tournament.

Now that the match is over, the sounds in the gym are slowly fading out into nothingness, but Kageyama can still hear some players talk to each other, offering words of comfort and encouragement. Their voices are strained and a few players seem to be crying just like he is. He can’t bring himself to look at their faces, but he’s sure, that none of them would want to talk to him anyway. There’s no point in it.

_It’s over._

\---

The gym is quiet. Most people must have already left a long time ago. After all, there isn’t anything to look at anymore. Kageyama hasn’t moved from his spot on the bench since then. He doesn’t want to leave yet, even if all of his teammates, no _...former teammates_ have already gone home to mourn their losses in private.

The tears on his cheeks have dried and he’s not a sobbing, shivering mess anymore, but he still doesn’t want to go. Not home and not anywhere else. It’s stupid and he knows it, but he refuses to believe, that this is how his third year at his middle school is going to end.

He feels as if the three years he’s spent at the volleyball club were akin to a ride on a bullet train, that was going faster and faster until it inevitably crashed into a wall, that he should have seen coming, but didn’t. Now the crash has happened and there’s nothing he can do to fix it, except pick up the broken pieces one by one, not knowing what to do with them.

It isn’t until he hears footsteps approaching, that he stops rewinding the tapes in his mind for the fiftieth time. The damp towel slips halfway from his head onto his shoulder, as he looks up, his eyes instantly widening at the sight in front of him. Instead of one of his former teammates, it’s the coach, the one who made the final decision to bench him. His brows are furrowed and he seems worried, almost _guilty,_ but Kageyama can’t see why he would be when _he_ should be feeling sorry about letting the team down.

After all, the coach was the one who gave him a _chance_ , who made him a starter after the former third years had left the club. He was supposed to replace Oikawa as the main setter. Oikawa. _And now look what he did with his chance._

He’s surprised when the coach doesn’t get mad, but instead reaches out to him and lightly pats his shoulder, the frown on his face deepening, as if thinking hard about how to console someone, who fucked up _so badly_ , that his own team had to publicly rebel against him.

“This isn’t how it should’ve gone,” he finally says, and Kageyama almost wants to laugh, but he fears that he would just start crying again, so he keeps his lips pressed together and shakes his head, before averting his eyes. He wants to apologize but he doesn’t. It’s probably rude to apologize when you don’t even know _what_ you’re apologizing for.

The coach lets out a heavy sigh at his reaction and walks past him before he stops and awkwardly clears his throat. Kageyama turns around to look at him again, hopeful, but now it’s the coach himself who’s avoiding his glance and staring at the floor instead, with his back turned to him, just like his teammates during the match. Kageyama feels his whole body tense up as his heart starts pounding faster and his chest tightens with dread.

_"No...This can't be how it ends. Not like this."_

“You’re not the only one who’s received a wake-up call today,” the man grumbles, before continuing with a softer voice, “But, I know, you can do better than that. I’ve always said, that I see you at the top of the world one day, and about _that_ , I haven’t changed my mind. I wish you all the best, Kageyama, and I hope, that I will hear from you one day. Even if I...”

“I can do better!”, Kageyama interrupts his coach’s speech and leaps up from the bench, almost knocking it over in the process, as if he was hit by a surge of enthusiasm, “I’ll promise, that I won’t ever let my team down again. I will learn from my mistakes. I will prove, that you weren’t wrong in trusting me those three years. I’ll improve my tosses, I will _change!_ ”

The pain is still fresh, but hearing the coach’s words made him realize, that he has live up to his own expectations. He might have failed at Kitaiichi. He might never be able to make up for what he did to his team. It’s too late to make amends. But he can’t give up now, can’t allow himself to wallow in self-pity and waste his potential. He won’t ever forgive himself if he does that. If not to himself, he owes it to all the people who once believed in him.

_“The only ones who will remain on the court are the strong.”_

“I don’t doubt that,” the coach answers with a sad smile and turns to face him for real this time, “I always trusted you. All of you. The only regret I have is not being the coach you boys would have deserved. We all learned our lesson here, but in the end, it will hopefully make us stronger. There isn’t anything else we can do, after all. We can only move forward.”

_Forward..._

Kageyama takes a deep breath and thinks about everything the coach just told him. Overtaken by all kinds of intense emotions, his sight turns blurry again and for the first time in years, he feels like someone understands him. So he nods. Fiercely. Suddenly, the world doesn’t seem as grim anymore, the weight on his chest not as heavy and overwhelming, as it had felt a few minutes ago.

He got himself into this mess, so he’s going to get out of it by himself. He’s going to fix it.

“I won’t disappoint you again,” he says with a deep bow, and before he knows it, he has already made a decision.

\---

He’s aware, that it won’t be easy. The thought of having to change, having to question everything he thought he knew about volleyball or his role as a setter is confusing, frightening even. But he’s going to try. He can do better than that. Even if it still hurts, even if he’s _terrified_ of crashing again, he’s going to move on and avoid all the walls from now on.

He’s going to pick up all the broken pieces and put them back together. It’s not going to be easy, but he will try his best. And maybe, once the scars have healed, he will come out at the top again. And maybe then he will be able to properly apologize.

**Author's Note:**

> So as you probably figured out, other than getting my feels out, I wanted to...kinda portray, that while Kageyama's abandonement incident was traumatizing and painful for him, there aren't any villains here. Everyone has made their fair shair of mistakes.
> 
> In order to not blow up the notes, here's a link to what I was actually going to put in here:  
> https://ukyo-chan.tumblr.com/post/186308472787/kitaiichi-meta-stuff (feel free to skip this if ya want)


End file.
